I'm a pterodactyl.
Da, da.
Da, da... Daddy never loved me.
Da, da, da...
- Maria. - Hey.
To what do I owe this gorgeous surprise?
Well, I've just come in to pick up my check.
Ah! That's strange.
You should have received that moons ago.
I don't mean to bug you about the money...
it's just tight right now.
If you hadn't slept through the table read of Ghostbrides,
you'd have two checks.
We do have a point of order number two,
I need $10,000 to secure a table for you and yours
at my Touch the Children benefit.
I just told you, I don't have any money.
They don't have any parents.
Here comes one right now. His parents died in a fire.
Jalen, what did I tell you about the paper cups?
They don't respect the earth.
It's like a tamale husk. They just throw it away.
Should I get another one?
No. That's fine. I'll deal with it.
You know, instead of making a monetary contribution,
perhaps you could delight the little ones
with a performance of your... your charming comedic gibberish.
Bruce, I can't do a benefit for kids.
I adore children in concept, but they hate me in reality.
Let me demonstrate.
Hello, Admiral.
What do you enjoy?
Do you have sports or...
See, it's happening.
I'm not all that crazy about them myself.
Look, I choose to do good in the world in my daily life.
One-on-one.
Your picture's in the brochure.
Goddamn it, Bruce.
I know. Listen, I owe you big time, no question.
Fine, I'll do it... but I am not happy.
Are any of us... really?
Goddamn it.
Think it's cool to fuck up my shit? I'll fuck up yours.
Hey. What's goin' on?
See what this fucker did?
Oh, you have quite the eye, Josue.
Strong, bold strokes. I'll take it from here.
- Fuck you will! I'm gonna fuck him up! - Stop!
Lieutenant Maria Bamford, graffiti squad. Undercover.
That was a picture of a dog.
K-9 Division. Good collar, sir.
I'll see that the mayor hears about this.
Uh... run!
I don't know if you know,
graffito is an Italian word that means "scribble."
Hey, what do you want with me?
I don't believe in organized charities. One-on-one...
like, that's where change happens, and I think...
maybe I could help you to change.
Oh, I get it.
White lady wants to help the brown kid in the barrio.
Your enthusiasm will go away after a month.
How about we save ourselves the trouble,
and say our goodbyes right now.
Okay, Blind Side? Thanks for lunch.
Oh, no. But I'm... I'm invested.
Please. You look bored already.
No. I'm just anxious. You make me nervous.
- Brown skin makes you nervous? - No.
Young skin makes me nervous. Young skin covering bones and brains.
Can I ask you a question? Do you hate me?
I think you're fucked up...
- but I don't hate you. - All right. That's a first.
So, Josue, I have to do a comedy show for a group of orphans.
Could you teach me how to touch the children
so that I don't bomb at the benefit?
Yeah, but it'll cost you.
Yeah, I'm tapped. I don't have any money.
- I wish you took credit. - I take cards.
What? Oh, great.
Swipe.
Josue!
Hey, Bruce. Hey, Jalen.
Hey. Well, who is this strapping young gaucho?
This is my friend, Josue.
Ah, how do you do?
Bruce Ben-Bacharach. Artist to Artist Management.
You're that guy that doesn't send Maria her checks.
Zing. This one's got a bit of a mouth on him.
So tell me, Maria. What exactly is going on?
You hired a street tough to shake me down?
Just kidding. Or am I?
He's helping me. I'm his charity.
He's teaching me to be myself around kids.
So I don't bomb at the benefit.
- Oh. - I'm her mentor, and she's mental.
Oh, we're having the best time.
- Splendid. - Mmm-hmm.
How you doin', cowboy?
- How was that? - That was great.
What's up with her?
She's fucked up.
What about him?
He's a male prostitute.
She seems crazy.
You going to tap that ass?
No, Jalen.
Maria's a really terrific woman...
who's done a lot of work on herself.
I think we stigmatize mental illness in this country.
And that's not cool.
Foxcatcher Babies, take one.
What's that in your pocket, Coach? A gun?
Great material.
I was feeling guilty about Checklist being an evil corporation.
So I decided to lend a hand at one of their charities.
This one down in jolly old Mejico,
helping in a school that trained future Checklist employees.
Ole!
As the global spokesperson for Checklist,
I want to thank you for letting me in your classroom.
Let's have a round of applause for Checklist.
And all the wonderful people at Checklist,
who built an English immersion school here in Mejico.
Yeah!
One of the many global charities that Checklist has built and...
And who doesn't love a good charity? Anyways...
Now, if I hear any of you speaking Spanish,
we're gonna have a problema!
Ooh, slap on the wrist for me.
I just spoke Spanish.
Anyway, let's open our English workbooks
and see what Trabajito is up to.
Trabajito says...
"Keep working."
"When the floor manager asks...
'Who wants extra hours?'
Trabajito always says,
'Me, sir!'
When there's an accident on the floor, Trabajito keeps his lips zipped.
Because his eyes don't always see the truth
and there's a floor manager who knows better."
I like this guy, he's got good hustle.
Hey.
What's the secret, you guys?
Oh, you're so serious.
I have a joke in Spanish. It takes 12 minutes to tell.
So I'm gonna give you the punchline.
Surprise!
Not for everybody. No, that's been established.
My sense of humor. All right.
I'm gonna crack you two nuts.
I always have the six-inch vegetarian sandwich at Sabuey.
Six-inch vegetarian won't even wake me up in the morning.
Ah, you see, she make the sandwich to seem like a penis.
Ay, maybe if you put in your mouth,
it will become a foot-long.
Oh, artfully done, Consuela.
Home run! Everybody's laughing.
Except those two. Hmm. What is going on with them?
Hey, guys.
Who died? Hmm?
In English.
My brother. He died in an accident on the Checklist factory floor.
I'm very sorry about your brother.
Thank you.
- You guys want to hear a joke? - Uh, no.
Know your crowd.
Anyways, I'll see you around...
and let's keep it in English. Okay? Okay?
Too many people are dying on these factory floors.
There's a barbecue or...
We must organize and form a union.
Excuse me, shouldn't you...
be in class, speaking English?
Look at this, Miss Maria. What do we do?
Okay. This is Spanish. The devil papers.
This doesn't concern you.
- Oh. - Keep walking.
No.
Every time you speak or write a Spanish word,
you are taking a tiny inky little shovel and digging your own graves.
Your own graves!
Do you know why I'm here?
I'm the face of Checklist.
Do you know how much they pay me?
Is it the devil's money? I don't know.
It is the devil's money...
if I don't help you change your lives. Change your lives.
Give me those flyers. I'm doing this...
I'm doing this for you.
Nothing tastes as good as speaking English feels!
I know it's not easy to work hard.
Sure you can make things cheap if you speak Spanish.
But if you speak English, you can make those things even cheaper.
And I say to those bad apples, who almost lost their way...
"Trabajito is always watching you."
Sounds good.
Feels right.
Sounds good. Feels right.
Why ask for money when you could ask,
"Why do I need more money?"
Trabajito never disobeys.
Floor manager's always right.
English words come from angels.
Where do I sign up to donate plasma?
Trabajito's always watching.
You're welcome, Mexico.
This was not my proudest hour in sticking up for workers.
But it's funny how life puts the same problem
in front of you again to see if you've learned.
Welcome to the Duluth Historical Maritime Museum.
The perfect location to shoot
your old-timey public hangin'.
Or your movie film period drama,
or your television program.
Or your nautically themed advertising campaign.
Or your Christian haunted house.
The Duluth Film Commission would love to sail away with your business.
Cut!
Okay. Um, that was good...
but you really need to find the heart of it.
You know, like you found my heart and just ripped it out
when you betrayed me with my husband, Paul.
Paul wanted to draw.
I don't understand why he can't draw and you get to direct.
Because I won a major film contest at church.
Hello? Is this thing on?
Okay, Parker Poser, I don't want to give you a line reading...
but this is how it should be read.
- Okay. Props. - Yes, ma'am.
Please, to my trailer.
Move it, you lazy caboose.
A razmataz-taz! And a rootie-toot-tootie!
This is the Duluth Maritime Historical Museum.
See?
That felt really good, right?
I'm just gonna do the next one, too.
You're gonna replace me? I...
But I didn't do anything wrong.
Oh, now you can act.
We'll take five, and get me that wardrobe.
Quick.
- Mom, is it me? - Sweetie, don't make me choose sides.
You wanna build your own burrito?
- Yes. - Take a napkin.
That's good.
Spicy buffalo wings.
All right, buttmunchers.
Let's take five from sticking our thumbs up our keister
and shoot something for criminy's sake.
Come on, places, morons.
Scene One. Take Three.
Action.
It was on this day in 1878...
Susan Carlisle Beeber,
you're an awful person and we've had it with you,
As Director of Photography,
I hereby relieve you of your duties as captain of this industrial film crew.
What?
Oh, my goodness. Is this in the script?
You're a bully, Susan Beeber, and...
we're taking a united front to demand that you leave.
So say you all?
So say we all.
Maria...
so say thee?
After everything I've done for you?
After I saved your ass in third grade
and was there for you after all your breakups?
Maria? Say it.
Say it!
Oh, God. What's gonna happen?
You guys are so mean.
You...
You and you.
And you?
You're mean.
I can frig off.
Yeah, I can frigging frig right off.
But I'm not gonna leave... until I hear it from Maria.
So, Maria...
you want me to frig off?
There are times in life when you realize you've outgrown a friend.
This wasn't one of them.
I think you're doing a great job.
And I don't want you to frig off.
You're my best friend. I love you so much.
I love you, too, Beefer.
You other cornholes... yeah, you can go to heck.
Yeah, get off my set. Get out!
Yeah, especially you, fatty Maddie.
Oh, Mrs. Bamford, that's a wrap. I asked for a sandwich.
Ignorance kept me from standing up for the workers at Checklist
and fear made me fold in Duluth.
That's why I was determined to be there for Bruce
and his orphans and push past my lifelong fear...
of children.
Did you know that Jenga is the Swedish word for, "Don't fuck up!"
Okay.
Steady hands, Josue. Very nice.
Oh, shit. I gotta go. I've got a meeting.
Oh, "I got a meeting." Whoa! Mr. Josue Q. Businessman.
I'm really feeling good about this benefit.
Ever since we've been talking this past week,
I just feel like... I can do stand-up for kids.
Yeah... about that.
I watched your stuff on YouTube. It's just not funny, Maria.
What?
If you do your act,
you will bomb and get booed out of that benefit.
No. What? Who boos at a benefit?
- Kids? - Kids.
Oh, God. I already said yes. I can't bomb.
Kids already hate me.
Oh, God.
What do I do?
You could do Gordo Gonzalez's act.
No. That's not right. I can't just steal another comic's act.
Besides, we have very different styles, comedically.
Yeah. He's funny.
Look, I'm your friend. You wanna keep kids happy?
Do Gordo Gonzalez. That shit's funny.
You take care.
I'm fat, I'm brown...
and here to get down.
Hola. My name is Gordo Gonzalez
and this is my best friend, Farty Pantalones.
- Hi, Farty. - Okay, Farty...
tell everybody how we met.
We were at this shitty poker game. You dealt it.
And I smelt it!
Is that what children want?
What do children want?
Oh!
- Hey, Josue. - Hey.
Look at you! Like a Mexican James Bond.
Oh. Thank you.
Hey, I hope you don't mind
I brought my mom, my brother,
my sisters and my Tio Rolo.
Awesome. Nice to meet you guys. Cool.
- He's got mental problems, too. - Oh, really?
Bipolar II.
Me too. The two.
My angel, kisses. Hello.
Tell me. Are these your people?
- Yes. - Fantastic. Let me see.
One, two, three.
Why don't I just bill you for a whole table?
- Okay. - That'll be $10,000
- and zero cents. - $10,000.
Thank you, sweet monkey grape. I knew you'd come through.
- Yeah... - Excuse me.
Thanks, Maria. This means a lot to me
and my family to have a night out like this.
Oh, guys. No problem.
Hey, I just wanted to thank you. Your son has given me so much.
I don't know what your game is with my son...
but he's just a boy.
I don't want you corrupting him with your sexual wiles.
No. That's not what is happening.
No, no. I...
I, in no way, am trying to make love to your son. My God. Uh. Ugh.
No. I...
He's attractive. Not that he isn't good-looking,
and he has an emotional maturity
beyond his years and... he has strong, steady hands,
unlike me. I have a bit of a tremor.
Someday, he'll make a gentle lover, but not with me.
Just stay away from him!
- Okay. All right. - Vamonos!
Enjoy the show!
Great to see you, meet you.
Farty Pantalones.
That was good.
No, it wasn't very good.
Ah.
You know, I can really see myself in that boy of yours.
I don't wanna hurt your feelings,
but I need to focus right now.
I'm doing something new and need to concentrate.
We could put you in a concentration camp.
Too edgy?
Too soon?
- Not soon enough? - I'm here to get down!
Senor Gonzalez. How do you like that?
You know my number one client, Maria Bamford, right?
- Maria! Listen! - Oh, God. Yes?
I'd like to introduce you to the Carnita King of Comedia himself,
the rambunctious and rotund, Gordo Gonzalez.
And Mr. F. Pantalones.
Hey, Maria.
Hi, Gordo. Hey, Pantalones.
Listen, Senor Gonzalez is gonna go on immediately after you.
So you guys get acquainted.
I've got responsibilities to handle, but I'll see you out on the ice.
Good show.
So... I'm goin' up right before you.
I really did not... know that.
It would've been helpful to have that information.
One and only Maria Bamford.
Oh, God.
Okay. Um...
Hey, I'm Maria Bamford and I'm...
uh...
Uh...
I'm fat, brown and ready to get down!
- Fuck! - And this is my best friend,
Farty Pantalones.
I told you not to call me that.
What do you want me to call you?
Oh, I think Farty...
Pantalones!
That's the same thing.
Farty, what's your birthday?
Oh, it's September the turd-eenth.
What's your favorite James Bond film?
Well, I love Live and Let...
Diarrhea!
Children were laughing and smiling at me.
They were not hating me.
But it felt empty.
These were Farty laughs.
- You guys, I can't do this. - I...
I don't steal other comics' material. That's Gordo Gonzalez's act.
Yes, yeah. I know. He's very good. He's very gifted.
But I am not gonna abandon my principles.
I'm gonna do my own act.
Yes.
Phew. Here goes. Um...
I believe in God.
I believe God's a 13-story-tall wizard who lives in a dark mountain
and never lets me win.
That, too, can be a comfort.
That, too...
Is anyone thinking of suicide?
Don't do it.
It's not the season for it. Late fall.
Uh... I see.
Well...
Oh... Oh, Josue, I don't know if I can breathe.
So much child hatred.
It's okay.
You were fine, Maria.
Thanks, guys. See you next week.
Those two agents from WME? Are you getting into the business?
I've never been out of the business.
You a secret agent?
No, I'm a weed dealer.
Oh! Okay.
- My family had a great time tonight. - Oh.
Here's 15 grand for your money troubles.
Oh! Crime does pay.
If you ever need extra work,
I'm looking for a white woman to go into schools.
Oh, thank you. That's very thoughtful.
No. I don't think so. But...
That was terrible in there.
Those kids hated me. This is my worst fear.
Kids and bombing...
Yeah, the worst that could happen, happened.
- Yeah. - You faced your fears
and it didn't kill you.
You know what these kids are gonna remember?
Free hats.
You're right.
All my life, I've been saddled by all these fears.
Fear of supporting an evil corporation.
Fear of my best friend, Susan. Fear of children.
And now... I faced 'em.
Those kids hate me, but it doesn't matter.
I mean...
- I still got you. - You had me.
I have some bad news.
My family's not cool about us.
This whole May-December thing is a no-go zone, bro-zone.
What?
I'm crazy about you, Maria.
- But I just can't see you anymore. - What, you...
Maybe if I was 40 years older, this could work.
How old do you think I am?
Seventy-one.
Oh.
Face it... we weren't meant to be.
We had our moment in the sun, we had our laughs...
It was one hell of a ride.
Maybe one day, you'll be able to understand.
Hopefully before you die.
I'll never forget you, Maria Bamford.
You touched me, Josue!
And I touched you!
Save it for the judge.
I don't know what I'm doing
More than half of the time